They should really pass out barf bags in church
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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