We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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