On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
