I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
