then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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