I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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