i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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