I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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