Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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