Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The air was thick with penises
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
