just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
