Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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