Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
