Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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