even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
