Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
