I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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