Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
