he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
