I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
