God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
