as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She's like a pop up book from hell.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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