He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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