I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
