Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
