you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
