I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i drank out of a bidet.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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