I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize