the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
As shirtless as possible
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
