Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
