just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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