i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
