so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
