I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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