my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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