My friends, they love my intelligence
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
