The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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