please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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