I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
