Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
