he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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