I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
