did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
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I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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