How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
