I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
