he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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