The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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