I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
