I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
