so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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