she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
