There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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