Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
