Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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