One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
