Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
