he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
