I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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