Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
